Whathef***aburger: Descent Into Mediocrity

Tl;dr: Whataburger’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich comes in at #15 out of 23 on The List.

After a lengthy winter hiatus, The List is back and supercharged with a brand new entrant.

In December, we abandoned the frigid tundra of 70-80° F Southern California for the sun-kissed warmth of 18° F Austin, Texas. There, we finally had the opportunity to sample the state’s homegrown fast food behemoth, Whataburger.

Our visit took place during a sunny but chilly afternoon near the end of December. After completing a drop off at the airplane station, my traveling companion and I made our way to a Whataburger located on the road back to our host’s residence. Upon arriving at the location, my comrade observed that the surrounding area did not fill her with a lot of confidence in the meal we were about to possibly enjoy. The neighborhood was rather desolate, with only a busy highway and some older homes to the left and right of our direction of travel. It wasn’t sketchy, but the area definitely seemed lonely and cold. The lunchtime traffic in the parking lot was light, which coupled with the area, led me to conclude that people who make it to this Whataburger must truly need a Whataburger.

The interior of this Whataburger reminded me of a Burger King I’ve frequented in Concord, Calif, which should not be taken as a compliment. The patrons inside were a wide range of ages, races and genders, so I guess Whataburger is either loved or tolerated by a diverse tapestry of consumers.

For The List, I ordered their Spicy Chicken Sandwich. At $5.69 plus tax, this was equivalent to two-plus gallons of gasoline in Austin, which made the price seem unfairly obscene.

Side note: We’re paying about double per gallon for gasoline in California. I seriously considered renting a tanker, filling it up at $2.29/gallon, and driving it back to the west coast, trucker-style. Unfortunately, they don’t rent commercial tankers at Hertz and my home neighborhood apparently has a no-mass gasoline storage ordinance, which I was previously unaware of. It was a great 30-minute rabbit hole while it lasted, but I’m still paying four-plus dollars a gallon to gas up my 2003 Honda Civic sEX.

In addition, I added a Double Meat Whataburger to my order for $6.19 plus tax and a large french fries for sharing at $2.89. The former was purchased solely for the purpose of comparing it to the legendary In-N-Out Double Double, which lands in the perfect middle on the venn diagram between price and quality.

After receiving our orders, we piled back into our SUV, where I expected our third passenger, a sweet and extremely mellow greyhound, to immediately start campaigning for some of our lunch. Surprisingly, the canine seemed absolutely uninterested in our bags of burgers and fries. Seriously, no begging or subtle pokes from the back seat in order to obtain even a french fry. This was a definite red flag.

We make it back to our incredibly kind and generous hosts’ compound, and then, unfortunately, the brief pre-lunch moment of excitement and anticipation would transform into a pit of disappointment and pure average-osity.

Let’s start with the Spicy Chicken Sandwich, and get the obvious out of the way. Like most fast food “spicy” fried chicken sandwiches, it’s not really spicy, and that’s completely forgivable. Less forgivable is everything else about this sandwich. It’s just sooo average. The chicken was appropriately breaded but tasted mass-produced. I get it. It’s fast food. It’s all mass produced. But the trailblazers in the fast food fried chicken sandwich frontier convince your taste buds that they’re not mass produced. Everything else — from the bun to the toppings to the mayo — was just so average. Overall, it’s a serviceable fried chicken sandwich while also being completely forgettable. If it were a combatant in the great Fried Chicken Sandwich Wars of 2020-2021, the Popeye’s and KFC superpowers of the world would rightfully ask Whataburger, "oh, you were fighting too?"

To be honest, while I had high hopes for Whataburger’s fried chicken sandwich, I wasn’t expecting much. After all, their name is WhataBURGER. This is not their strength, and surely their burger will carry the chain to a Pyrrhic victory in this test?

Sadly, this was not the case. The Double Meat Whataburger, much like their Spicy Chicken Sandwich, is just, well, average. Super average, which again, isn’t terrible. But this did land the biggest disappointment punch. For eons, Texan transplants in Los Angeles, after shooting their 17 guns in the air, would proudly proclaim the superiority of Whataburger to In-N-Out. Not every Texan, mind you, just the ones who routinely shot their 17 guns in the air because it’s a Tuesday. To finally sample this burger and have it’s comp equal Carl’s Jr really took the gasoline out of my tanker (I can’t let go — $2.29/gallon!).

A valuable lesson here: If someone tells you that Whataburger is better than In-N-Out, they are lying and will probably try to sell you some of their really awesome NFTs that will totally make you rich but mostly poor.

The french fries were like any other french fries you’d land at your run-of-the-mill fast food joint. They don’t come close to ranking in the class of McDonald’s or In-N-Out. And while no one was bragging about Whataburger’s fries, they really could have used a W in at least one category here.

There is something that we missed out on here though. We did not bring back Whataburger ketchup, which, according to our hosts, is a beloved condiment at the chain. So maybe this would have made a difference in the overall taste profile of the sandwiches and fries. But part of me says, ketchup can’t be the best thing your burger restaurant has to offer. That’s like going to a gasoline tanker dealership and saying the best thing they had to offer was Yosemite Sam mud flaps (I’ll stop).

Every critique here may come off as negative, but it isn’t meant that way. Just critical. As mentioned, everything here is ok. It’s a little pricey for what you’re getting, but it’s probably useful if you have limited choices or time, and it’s the only close-by thing that’s open. Or if you live next door, and can’t drive your gas-empty car because you couldn’t rent a tanker.

Ranking on The List: #15